Archive for 2012

When the years draw to an end, we begin to reflect upon all the times that defined that year. All the glorious moments, the little failures, achievements, and non-achievements. We also think about what we want to do afresh in the coming year and all those kind of stuff. When I look back and think of all these, I couldn't help but also remember all the names that made a difference in my life in 2012 and the beautiful faces behind those names.

I lost myself and found myself this year…at some point, I was living the life of my dreams and then all of a sudden I found myself living another girl’s dream. The adventurous and proactive girl got lost at some point, the procrastinator in me took over then again I found myself. This is the bit and piece I could pull together.

#Best moments:

My last months in India were the most amazing part of the year. As much as I missed home and family, I definitely created and lived some incredible memories that I will never forget.

Travel

Europe was not on my card this year but I made it to 3 countries in the EU while there. After all the wahala I gave them at the Singaporean Embassy in India, those people would be mad to realize I did not visit their country.

Dubai, UAE

Munich, Germany

Brugge, Belgium

Faith

In this department, I was a mess. A really big one. There was just no connection. I found myself praying out of duty, not because I wanted to. I pulled away from God; I was asking too much question which got no answer. I was on the verge of becoming a deitist. Please no judgments here, we all have our right to our beliefs. Now am crawling back to Islam, thanks to some friends. You can only understand if you have been there.

Family

I have a 'very interesting' family, both the nuclear and extended one. My sisters are both grown now, the immediate sister graduated from the university and lil’ sister could pass for a 15-year-old even though she is “12 going on 13”. My extended families were busy springing a lot of surprises but I have learned we all are different even though we share blood.

Friendship

I read a tweet once saying “how someone you have never met could make your year” and then I remember I have not met any of you and I share a special bond with you all. I would love to thank you all for the special virtual friendship we all share. As for physical friends, I was a good friend to some and terribly different to others. Some friendships were rekindled, awesome new friendships made and some friendships relegated.

Finance

Finances weren’t terrible but I could have done better. Seriously done better, I guess that is why we have a new year to make things right.

Health and Fitness

This year I added some serious weight that my mother who has always called me chicken when others tell me I have gone fat looked at me and said, madam, you had better watch it. Asides the big belly, I really do not have issues with the extra meat on my body. Any exercise I would be doing in the New Year would be to keep fit and not necessarily lose weight. Even my flat ass is now showing, so why would I give that up.

The discovery of the cysts and subsequent surgery has made me so health-conscious that now, I am calling up the doctor for any small symptom.

I am not forgetting my big hair chop.

The year is not ending the way I wanted or planned it to, but then again I am grateful for life and the opportunity for a beautiful tomorrow. Thank you all very much for an eventful year and looking forward to a blissful and prosperous 2013

♥ Lara

“Would any of you consider becoming a second wife”, asked Sister Zainab to the group of Muslim sisters gathered around in the Unilag Mosque during the end of semester Dawah camp. We all grumbled a resounding No.

Okay, she said and asked another question, “Would any of you allow your husband to marry a second wife”. To this question, a few mumbled yes, some twisted their eyes and rest, including I said No.

Sister Zainab, went on to talk about how polygamy is accepted in Islam, how it is not a sin if we decide to be second wives, how it is a sin to refuse our future husbands from marrying a second wife if we happen to be the first wives.

While reading, Dr. Ahmed’s In the Land of Invisible Women, I get to know that in Saudi Arabia and contrary to what is practiced in our side of the world. The Muslim man actually has to seek permission of (in most cases, inform) the first wife before taking a second wife. She has to accept this proposal and can file for divorce if her husband goes ahead to marry another woman without her acceptance/ consent. I can't say categorically if above statement accurately depicts the Saudi marriage tradition.

My mum and Aisha just returned from Ilorin after the attending my step-sister’s 5 days wedding celebration. The wedding according to reports was beautiful and spectacular, only problem is she got married to a 51yrs old married man, whose first child happens to be the bride’s age mate.

Mum came back with stories of how everyone was disappointed by the step-sister’s decision to get married to a married man, an old one at that. She is young, had a boyfriend who she dumped for the married man. Her mother fought and harassed the man everywhere they met, even as far as Saudi Arabia. The step mother was the one who informed the man’s wife of the relationship, informing the woman to help her beg the husband to leave her daughter alone. She went to a lot of “alfas”, went for prayer sessions in churches and only gave up when the man categorically told her that, if the step-sister does not marry him, she will never marry any other man. Unfortunately the Step-father is late and everyone says that is the only man the step-sister ever listens to.

Everyone who attended the wedding actually commended the first wife for her acceptance of the marriage, she actually had to give a vote of thanks and a day was set aside where she would come dancing to the bride’s family, thanking them for giving their daughter’s hand in marriage to her husband.

The step-sister is a very independent girl who according to mum does not want to be tied down by any man. She is content with having her husband around for just 2 days at most 3days. Also she is not ready to suffer with any man who might in the future also marry another wife. She is 26, already performed the Hajj, has a thriving business of her own and in my opinion only interested in marriage to fulfil all righteousness and have babies.

The thing is I come from a long family of polygamy; polygamy is not strange or out of the ordinary for me. My siblings, cousins and I all have step-mother/fathers and half-sister/brothers. It was a common norm in the past generations. I look at families like the “Abiolas” and the “Okoyas” and wonder what the whole brouhaha is about polygamy. We look at these women and some of us admire their courage and some disgusted by their action which we see as destabilizing what is assumed to be a perfect home.

The hypocrisy of our time is that, some of these women who are actually second wives, who have been responsible for destabilizing some homes now come out to condemn the act. They do not want their daughters to experience the same suffering which they have put another woman through. They are the same one who will condemn another woman for stealing their daughter’s husband forgetting they did the same themselves.

I know Christianity does not allow this and I find it appalling when Christians pull the “my tradition allows me to marry more than 1 wife card”. For the Muslims, I just wish our men would be true to themselves and know that they can never be fair and treat the women the same way.

To the step-sister, I can only wish her a happy married life. Even though I can’t help but wonder if her brain is screwed to the right place. As to the question, can I become a second wife...it would be hypocritical of me to say it is ruled out, but my answer is still a resounding No.

♥ Lara

So like I stated in my last post, the first time I would ever be admitted into any hospital was for the laparoscopy I had recently. I have always been a perfectly healthy child, asides from minor malaria, burns and little wounds, me and hospitals had no business. I remember taking one drip sha when I was 9 but I did not sleep in the hospital.

Since I traveled 3days after my surgery, automatically my post surgery check-up had to be in Nigeria. One of the reason why I did not want my surgery done is Germany is that now I have a Surgery report in German which was not translated, so the doctors here are doing the examination all over again.
My father works in a General hospital and the man decided I have to seek medical advice in one of the hospitals. I have heard tales of how people are treated in all these General hospitals. Gov. Fashola disguised as a patient once received shabby treatments at some of these hospitals. I tell you the madness that goes on in the place is better told as gist than experienced.

Because of my father, I have cut a long line short and have been attended to without having to spend the whole of my day and there was this particular day the old man insisted I experience the whole madness. Sometimes the staffs of the General hospital are not to blame, some patients can be so unruly and extremely rude, but I think they can actually exercise more patience. There are who people get to the hospital as early as 4.30am just to make sure they get their names on the list for a doctor who would come to work by 10am. There are doctors who after 1 or 2 hours will stop attending to patients just to go deal with a personal appointment or business.

I spent 4 hours just to get my blood drawn for less than 5mins. I got to the hospital by 8am as directed the day before and met this really long queue. When I asked, the people said they had submitted a list by 6am and they were been called from that list. I sha went to ask the woman drawing the blood and she said I should go sit down. I went to sit down and I was told that the chair was for people collecting their results. I found another chair; those ones said their category is different. They were there for a specific type of test. I went back to meet the woman to ask where exactly we were to sit and she started shouting that we should all go and sit down and stop disturbing her. As in, I was frustrated and I called my dad, the man said I should sha sit there and come and give him report of my experience which I refused to give before some people will now start swearing for somebody. I was supposed to have an abdominal scan done that day, but madam consultant, who only comes 3days a week decided to take that Friday off.

The abdominal scan and blood test which I had was to determine if I had ulcer as diagnosed by the doctor I consulted. My symptom was nausea and vomit, the first question I was asked my all 3 doctors I met including my dad was if I was pregnant. The consulting doctor was so sure I was pregnant and I simply told her asked her why a doctor would go ahead and cut me open for a laparoscopy if I was pregnant. Since I was not pregnant, she then diagnosed that I probably have ulcer. Despite the ulcer/pregnancy which was suspected, I was given malaria drugs to take.

Thank God, surgery from Germany went well, 2weeks back the doctor found a tiny cyst growing in the other ovary which she said I should not worry about. On Friday, I had another scan which was to check if I have Peptic ulcer and she said the cyst is no longer there, so right now I am cyst free. Like the doctor told me in Germany, they never can tell if it will come back, as seen my right ovary is at risk of growing new cysts.

For now I am grateful for life and I am ready to have my life back. The last 1 month has been crazy for me; I was scared particularly when I was told the right ovary had cysts in it. The hospital business is over for now and hopefully it is for a very long time.

Thank you all once again for the love and prayers, I really appreciate you all.

♥ Lara

Make sure you go for a medical check before you leave that country oh, said my mother.
Motigbo, I will find a clinic when I have time, I replied.

Don't tell me when you have time, you have been in that place for too long and just make sure you do the check, she said.

Knowing my mother would not end the call till I agree to her wish, I agreed to make her end the call.
2weeks after my mother's call and 2days to go before I leave India, I decided to go the checkup.

As expected, my Cholesterol level was high; calcium and hemoglobin level was low and the doctor advised eating biscuit bone and a lot of vegetables. I was particularly scared of contacting tuberculosis, with all the spitting and all, lungs, the kidney was fine.

Time for the ultrasound and after watching Grey Anatomy and Private Practice, you get to know once there is a change of expression that something is wrong. Sonographer asked if I had a gynecologist, I gave her the look like I can't be pregnant and I wondered why the hell I would need a gynecologist when I was not there for a pregnancy scan. Then she gave me the news. I had cysts on my right ovary and it was quite large, 8cm she said. Sensing my fear, she said oh it is not cancerous, it benign. She advised that I wait for another 3months to take another ultrasound. By this time, I have less than 8hrs left in India, I was no longer covered by medical insurance offered by the organization.

I immediately placed a call to my dad who also happens to be a medical doctor, scanned the results to him and he told me not to worry. He would seek a second opinion, I don't have anything to worry about. The nonchalant part of me decided to take it off my mind since I was assured it was benign and would probably shrink itself with the menstrual flows.

Early August, I received the news from my dad, I am to have a laparoscopy. it is a minor procedure he said. I told him, I would like to have another scan as advised by the sonographer in India. He advised me to have the scan in Germany, I told him, I would take it in Nigeria since I was visiting. Madam sonographer in Nigeria went straight to the point, the cyst is too big to shrink on its own, she already told my dad that. Instead of shrinking, it would keep growing and affect my bladder, liver, and kidney. I looked at the woman like she had just given me the death sentence.

That sharp sudden numbing pain, irregular menstruation, sudden pain during menstruation (I am never one to experience pain during this period) now begins to make sense. I went online and read the side effect of the laparoscopy and I was scared like crazy. My father insisted I take the surgery here in Germany, I wanted to go back home to do the surgery where I was sure someone will be there to take care of me.

I finally summoned the courage and visited a gynecologist in Bonn, he looks at me and said...well if you want to have children, you should remove the cysts. He said there was no need to rush but that I had to remove it and also prevent myself from a having a ruptured cyst which is worse. I spoke to my dad and best friend who is also a nurse and they said, oh it is a minor procedure, you will be fine and go home same day.

I have never slept in a hospital before, all sickness till date has been cured by injections and medicines. I took drip once and I left for my house that same day. I actually also hate the hospital.

Finally on Wednesday, in the crazy cold, I reported to the hospital for what was supposed to be a minor procedure. Thanks to the anesthesia, I had no idea how and when the surgery started and ended. I woke up with a terrible pain. I have never experienced or felt such pain before in my life. The doctor insisted I spend the night in the hospital, I could not even object because I was just was not ready to die alone at home. The doctor came the next morning and said I gave him such a scare, what exactly happened, he did not say. I had to spend another night and so what was supposed to be a minor procedure where I go home same day, I ended spending 2 nights in the hospital.

Laughter, coughing, and sneezing has become an essential commodity, I can't do all these without feeling pain... It is really not funny at all...I am one who does all I can to avoid pain, but this pain is unavoidable and I am glad I survived. I hope this is the last of such pain.

Right now I am packing my stuff, my European journey is over for now. In a way, the whole cyst journey affected me. Now when I sit back and think about it, unconsciously I was unhappy.

Something did not just feel right and I could not place it. I am going home, I will be jobless for a while. It is not going to be easy, but at this moment, I need to decide what I really want, where I really want to call home. Will Nigeria be home or will I be packing my bags and moving somewhere else...time will tell this.

For now, I am going home to recover in the care of my mother and in the midst of my loved ones...hopefully, that nagging feeling of sadness will finally leave me. I need you to put me in your prayers and hope I find my way.

Last week I was in the city of Bergamo in Italy and also once again Belgium, I had to use up all my leaves before my last day with the company. It was more of resting and mentally preparing myself for the surgery, so I was indoors most of the time.

Kisses from Bonn
♥ Lara

It is not like we are talking about some jungle in Brazil or something, he lives in Norway, The German said to the person on the other end of the phone. She chatted with her caller for the next 10mins, oblivious of the effect her statement had on her Brazilian team-mate.

The Brazilian was so mad that her beloved Brazil was likened to a jungle, she wrote boldly on a sheet of paper which she held up to my eyes that Brazil is not a jungle, she came up with all the things Brazil is not and sent as an email to me. It was my ears which listened to the rant, it was my eyes which saw the disclaimers;all these the German was not aware of. She was so angry and she made the one statement Nigerians are fond of saying, I am the only one who can insult my country not the German or any other non-Brazilian.

Her rants got no sympathy from me neither did the comment of the German arouse any anger in me.
My reasons;
Ever since I met the Brazilian, she has never had any good thing to say about her country, her hatred for Brazil is well documented in the ears of the German and I. I have listened to her rant and wondered if it is the same country my Brazilian flatmate in India resigned from a awesome paying job in India to relocate back to Brazil for. From all her description of Brazil, the nation is no better than India or our darling Nigeria.
I always listen with my mouth agape at how much venom she spits about her birth nation.

Every time , the Brazilian opens her mouth to castigate her nation, I see the countless faces of Nigerians who castigate the motherland to foreigners. To them, the nation shall be up to no good. It is even a disease to be associated with such nation. If it was possible, they would deny the country.
Unfortunately they still have to carry the cross of the Nigerian passport and in the case of my friend here the Brazilian passport.

Now she is suddenly patriotic the moment the German called her nation a jungle.
Yet she has forgotten the days when she had opened her stupid mouth to complain about the government and the people of her nation, the German mentally took note of how much disregard she has for her country.
With this in mind, the German did not think twice or have any problem calling Brazil a jungle because she did not ever think the Brazilian would mind or be offended at all.

I actually wonder why some people having nothing to good to say about or do for their country. Yes, your country is a mess, what have you done about it. What have you done to make things work in that country you complain about. That country you are running to or blabbing about is great today because of the actions and sweat of its citizens. You will also do your part in making this adopted nation of yours great, but would never lift a finger to make the one nation which has given you an identity, great. If you do not have any thing good to say, why not just shut up or better still do something about it.

I once read somewhere that, 'You can love your country without having to love your government.
Till we start respecting our nation, till we stop castigating our nations in the face of foreigners, they will never show any regard for you or your nation.

Kisses from Bonn
♥ Lara

Once upon a child
Her eyes in awe of her world
Full of innocence and happiness
She had so many dreams.
She wanted to visit the world
Become a lawyer.
Get lost in the world of him, her Prince Charming.
Those were her dreams once upon a time.
That was the music of her dreams which she listened to once upon a time.

Her dreams shattered into pieces.
Mama was sick for a long time
The doctors said she had cancer.
Papa sold everything they had but still that was not enough to save mama.
Mama went away to heaven taking with her all the family wealth.

Then Alhaji came along,
He promised papa he will give him the money to start up the new business.
only on one condition would he be this generous
If papa will give him, her hand in marriage.

Papa adamantly refused
But then again, he thought of how he would take care of 4 children.
This offer was too good to pass on.

She would have none of it.
She is just 19.
But then papa can not afford to feed them all any more
Having 3 square meal in a day is luxury.
She has to consider Ade, Moni and Gbemi
What will become of them if she does not accept alhaji's proposal.
Papa cannot take care of all of them.
If she accepts the proposal
Papa would be able to send them to school
They will have the better life.

She must give up her dreams to make life better for papa and the children
The many colors of her dream will now be overshadowed by reality
now she is stuck between her dreams and her reality.

And the pieces chime, she is alone in this.
She must and will now live her dreams through the lives of the younger ones
because for them,
She have decided to become Alhaji's 2nd wife
and adorn the niqab.
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NB: I see a lot of people misunderstood my last post or rather some decided to quote me out of context. The post is about what I do not like about them, that does not mean I hate them (if I do why would I spend 17months of my life there). I loved my life in India and it is history I would love to re-live over and over again. There just has to be something I did not like about them abi, despite the love I have for the incredible nation.

Kisses from Bonn
♥ Lara

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